The Truth About Addictions; Not a Disease... It’s a Survival Resource… It’s a Language We Refuse to Hear… Let’s listen… with compassion…

For too long we have pathologized Addictions and Compulsions… We see it as a moral failure, a disease, a weakness, a way to just escape, a way to slowly kill ourselves….

Maybe we are just trying to “fill that emptiness from the outside…” When we are in pain and have had traumas and attachment wounds, and/or adverse life experiences, we find ways to meet needs we are not getting met. Underneath our Compulsions is an absence of a need not being met.

“We have to stop asking ‘what’s wrong with the addiction’ and start asking ‘what’s right about it.’”

— Gabor Mate, MD

“What is addiction, really? It is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress. It is a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.”

— Alice Miller

Lets heal and get these unmet needs met through healing. We are not meant to feel empty, or feel unloved, or feel worthless, or feel dead inside, or feel powerless…. We are meant to grow with love and connection and many of us are just not provided that and this is not anyone’s fault. Of course we find ways to get that love and connection that was missing, even if it’s an addiction, or something that causes negative consequences in our lives.

“It’s a myth that drugs are addictive.”

— Gabor Mate, MD

Most people who use substances do not become addicted. Most people who like food do not became addicted to food. Most people who have sex or have a relationship or watch pornography, do not become addicted. Most who work do not become workaholics. Most people who play a game of poker do not get addicted to it. Most people who drink do not became alcoholics. Most people who shop do not become addicted… Most people who use a painkiller do not become addicted. So…. it’s not the substance, or the food, or the sex or the gambling, or whatever behavior it is…. it’s that it’s fulfilling a need that we didn’t receive in our formative years. Needs are called “needs” for a reason…. because we “need' these things like love, connection, empowerment, feeling alive, wanted, whole, comforted, in control, powerful, accepted, seen, etc.. We need them for survival. So, if I experience the fulfillment of that need through something outside of myself, even temporarily, it most likely will become an “addiction” as it’s hard to let go of something lacking that you truly “need.”

You can learn so much about yourself through exploring what needs you are fulfilling through your addictions or compulsions, wherever they are on the spectrum of compulsions. In identifying the need you are fulfilling through your addiction or compulsive behavior, you can then start working to heal that wounded space within, and fulfill that need in a way that doesn’t hurt you or give you shame. You must do that through a space of compassion and curiosity. You must do that with the help of someone who is not judging and is curious as well.

With healing work like EMDR and Feeling State Addiction Work (An EMDR Protocol), or Sensorimotor Psychotherapies, we can heal these wounds. Most likely a combination is needed to heal the wounds and get rid of the addiction or the fixation from infinite behaviors that can become addictions/compulsions.

The really sad thing is that because of all our misunderstandings about addictions and compulsions, we are filled with a toxic shame. So, what happens when we start to see our addictions for what they are? Seeing them as a way to fulfill actual needs…. Then we can start to experience some self-compassion, increase self-insight and move out of that toxic shame that keeps us stuck and silent, and into a space where we can heal, and love ourselves.

For more, check out this book! I have some for sale if you are interested.

Trauma Treatment: Myths, Misconceptions and Misapplications

I want to take this time to share some quotes from some of the Masters in this field of Trauma. All of these quotes have to do with the title of this Journal Entry; the many myths and misconceptions that lead to misapplications of treating trauma. Therapists who work with trauma (well… a growing number of us!), now understand that traditional talk therapy doesn’t heal us; learning that while talk is important, we want to heal. We cannot treat the events- they are over. It’s how those events continue to affect us today that we need to focus on- how such events do not feel like they are over. We re-experience these unresolved traumas in a variety of ways in our bodies, in our thoughts, in our emotions, our actions and in our relationships.

Additionally, the idea of catharsis for healing is a misconception and can even be quite harmful and dysregulating for trauma survivors- even retraumatizing. Also, many survivors of childhood trauma tend to enter states of collapse, feel numb, disconnected, emotionally detached and/or physically detached. Thus, for many, even getting to the state required for something like catharsis, is not even possible. 

Janina Fisher, PhD, co-creator of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, once said in a training I attended of hers, that in each session we can choose “catharsis or transformation,” which most of my clients have heard me say. It’s often difficult, as whether we are therapists, clients, or both, we are used to traditional modalities of treatment; we want to vent, analyze, and have emotional catharsis. However, that’s not what heals, transforms, or treats the ongoing legacy of unresolved trauma that lives in survivors right now. 

*Note: All information in this Journal, and included in the following quotes, are not just opinions, they have been well-researched.

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So, on with the quotes! The Masters…

“It is not the events that are the problem. And, it has been a tradition in our field- I say we are all children of Freud- so we grew up, as it were, as psychotherapists, revering the sharing of events as a vehicle for healing.

In trauma, that isn’t what works. And, in fact, it often makes things worse. And, we start to confuse the events with the people who experience them.”

— Janina Fisher, PhD

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“There is a myth about trauma treatment; that you have to remember what happened and have an emotional catharsis. And, somehow that combination is the cure. I mean, basically it’s what Freud, and what people before him [believed]; and actually, some of the people, even before him had a more enlightened view. But this was the idea that is a misunderstanding, or a misapplication, in trauma therapy: that you have to get the people to remember. And, remember one horrific experience after another, after another... And, to have often violent reactions with those memories.

And that’s not the answer; the answer is to be able to come out of where the person has become frozen- physiologically. Now, as part of that, the person will generally recall images, start to process images and feelings, but in a much more gentle way.”

— Peter Levine. PhD

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“Digging into the trauma story, going after it, thinking that there is virtue in telling the story, is a TERRIBLE mistake. So, we become like a refueling station from a miserable life. But, the reason why the misery continues, is that the interior world continues to be a minefield, and in the end, this world is the world that counts.”

— Bessel Van der Kolk. M. D.

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“What people often miss is that the way people relate to trauma is to split it off. Trauma is about unbearable experience. And so, asking someone about their trauma is almost an impossible question, because you don’t want to know that trauma. And, the very essence of trauma is that it’s too scary to visit, too scary to know. And so, people split off their trauma- they dissociate it. It should have been [classified as] a dissociative disorder.

”

— Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D.

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“....I believe you can’t heal trauma by words alone. That’s not to say that words don’t play a part in it, and in fact a very important part, but trauma does not live in the speech parts of the brain, it lies in the parts of the brain that deal with unconscious processes- they have to do with the body. Then, therefore, I think one needs to incorporate the body in the healing process in order to heal the trauma.

That’s what PTSD is: replaying the emotions and the somatic experiences that are still stored there in memory, in the present moment, not in the past. It’s as if it’s still happening now.

So, trauma is a corruption of memory, that’s number one. It’s a corruption of the body’s process; the body now keeps coming back to the same patterns of self-defense. And so, that person not only will keep remembering it, will experience it, he will begin to experience symptoms in the body parts that never completed what they needed to do.”

— Robert Scaer, M.D.

EMDR TEDx Talk

This is a very informative and inspiring short TEDx Talk about a woman's recovery through trauma with EMDR therapy. I encourage you to watch it! (learn more about EMDR here, and Trauma Recovery here.)

Tricia Kim Walsh shows us how to better understand ourselves in this poignant, personal talk. Her story of self-discovery will make you change the way you think about "connections". Discover the powerful therapy of EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing that can help people to heal from their traumas.

Ways To Be Trauma-Informed: Tips Towards Understanding Body Language, Appropriate Touch, Boundaries, and Consent

I want to share a few ways you can help others feel safer in the world, keeping in mind that you are constantly surrounded by people who have been through various kinds of traumas, big and little. Trauma survivors do not wear a sign announcing it; most survivors work, function, socialize, etc. So just assume everyone around you is a survivor. And that's not too far off from the truth... unfortunately.

Here are some ways you can contribute to creating a more trauma-informed, safe, respectful, conscientious and loving world:

1. Don't just hug someone or kiss them on the cheek without asking if it's ok first. Read the person's body language as well. Most will say "yes, it's ok" but their body language is showing you otherwise. Maybe they tense up when you ask them, or if you do hug or kiss them. Maybe their "yes" is not convincing and enthusiastic. Pay attention to body language.

2. If a person tells you they do not want a hug, a kiss on the cheek or even a handshake, do NOT ask why. Don't assume they are "cold" and not nice, loving or affectionate. Don't take it personally. Don't assume they are not happy to meet you, see you or talk with you.

3. Keep this in mind for friends of yours (and even romantic partners). Don't assume your friends/ partners don't need to be asked if it's ok to make physical contact. Feel free to talk with your friends, partners or coworkers about their preferences with touch; inquire and you will only learn more about the people in your life! (Again, don't ask for reasons or explanations. If the person wants to tell you they will!)

4. Allow people to say "no" sometimes and "yes" other times. Everyone feels different at different times. People are allowed to change their minds!

5. NEVER approach a person from behind and grab or touch them.

6. NEVER talk or scream out to a woman walking alone. Most women do not feel safe walking alone. And often are not safe walking alone.

7. Pay attention to how close you stand, sit or walk near a person. And pay attention to body language here. If someone keeps moving a bit further away when you're around them, turning away, avoiding eye contact, don't move closer to them! Respect their physical boundary.

I could add many more. But that's a good start to learning to respect others and not assuming that because you like to touch, be close or affectionate, or have strangers talk to you in the street when alone, that everyone else does.

*Last thing. Not everyone who prefers more physical space or less touching, have survived a horrific trauma, been sexually abused or have PTSD. Some people are just not into it! (Or not with everyone all the time.) We can all feel different at different times. And, we are all different; it's a beautiful thing!

Addictions and Compulsions

I view Addictions and Compulsions as a way to manage the emotional dysregulation that stems from unresolved trauma and attachment issues. For most it's also a way to maintain a sense of control for those who have struggled with Powerlessness / Helplessness growing up, and/or as adults (in traumatic or toxic situations).

I view Addictions and Compulsions as Attachment or Developmental Disorders and as resilient ways to cope with the pain in our lives.

I use a combination of compassionate, and highly attuned Psychodynamic "Talk Therapy" and Somatic-Based Psychotherapies, along with Psychoeducation, Motivational Interviewing, Seeking Safety, EMDR and the EMDR Feeling-State Addiction Protocol (FSAP).

We can work on whatever goals you have (if not currently putting you, or others, in danger of death or severe impending danger.) From managing/ moderating your use, to achieving abstinence, or taking a break from use. I believe Addictions and Compulsions can be broken; they are NOT life sentences with the right care. Some with progressed substance addictions will need to achieve abstinence- at least for a sustained period of time. This is individualized and we will discuss this. (There are many people who can successfully moderate things like alcohol intake.)

I can provide you with that care, and direct you to other additional resources like Acupuncture, Support-Groups (not just 12-Step), Amino Acid Therapies, Neurofeedback, Equine Therapy, Psychiatric Practitioners specializing in Addictions, Nutritionists, and/or Yoga. All, or some of these methods, combined with the right psychotherapy can lead to success! Treatment looks different for each person. It needs to be individualized. I only refer to trusted, compassionate and experienced Providers.

It's also necessary to recover from the underlying causes of addiction. Without this, you will not achieve happiness and stability. You will return to your addiction, or develop a new one. Included in treatment like the FSAP/ EMDR, is the resolution of these underlying causes of addictions/ compulsions. For some people, psychiatric medication will be needed as well, from a qualified practitioner.

Together, collaboratively, we can create a plan, and I will be straight-forward about my recommendations. I will provide you with the compassionate and informed approaches that can lead you to success (however YOU define success). You just need to bring some amount of willingness, honesty and motivation (the more willingness the better!). This I cannot provide for you. However, I can help you move towards the willingness, trust in the plan we create, and the motivation necessary to fully participate in this healing journey. Treatment/ Therapy is a partnership- we must work together. You are the expert; with your help, and my experience, expertise, compassion and honesty, healing is possible.

This is not about fixing anything that is "broken," but rather allowing me to help your body and mind guide you to the core/authentic self that is whole- we all have it. We just may have never felt it, or we lost our way at some point. Again, we are each our own experts in our own healing. I cannot heal you. I can use my skills, show empathy, create an empowering/ safe space, so that you can connect with your authentic, whole self, which is buried within you.