For too long we have pathologized Addictions and Compulsions… We see it as a moral failure, a disease, a weakness, a way to just escape, a way to slowly kill ourselves….
Maybe we are just trying to “fill that emptiness from the outside…” When we are in pain and have had traumas and attachment wounds, and/or adverse life experiences, we find ways to meet needs we are not getting met. Underneath our Compulsions is an absence of a need not being met.
“We have to stop asking ‘what’s wrong with the addiction’ and start asking ‘what’s right about it.’”
“What is addiction, really? It is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress. It is a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.”
Lets heal and get these unmet needs met through healing. We are not meant to feel empty, or feel unloved, or feel worthless, or feel dead inside, or feel powerless…. We are meant to grow with love and connection and many of us are just not provided that and this is not anyone’s fault. Of course we find ways to get that love and connection that was missing, even if it’s an addiction, or something that causes negative consequences in our lives.
“It’s a myth that drugs are addictive.”
Most people who use substances do not become addicted. Most people who like food do not became addicted to food. Most people who have sex or have a relationship or watch pornography, do not become addicted. Most who work do not become workaholics. Most people who play a game of poker do not get addicted to it. Most people who drink do not became alcoholics. Most people who shop do not become addicted… Most people who use a painkiller do not become addicted. So…. it’s not the substance, or the food, or the sex or the gambling, or whatever behavior it is…. it’s that it’s fulfilling a need that we didn’t receive in our formative years. Needs are called “needs” for a reason…. because we “need' these things like love, connection, empowerment, feeling alive, wanted, whole, comforted, in control, powerful, accepted, seen, etc.. We need them for survival. So, if I experience the fulfillment of that need through something outside of myself, even temporarily, it most likely will become an “addiction” as it’s hard to let go of something lacking that you truly “need.”
You can learn so much about yourself through exploring what needs you are fulfilling through your addictions or compulsions, wherever they are on the spectrum of compulsions. In identifying the need you are fulfilling through your addiction or compulsive behavior, you can then start working to heal that wounded space within, and fulfill that need in a way that doesn’t hurt you or give you shame. You must do that through a space of compassion and curiosity. You must do that with the help of someone who is not judging and is curious as well.
With healing work like EMDR and Feeling State Addiction Work (An EMDR Protocol), or Sensorimotor Psychotherapies, we can heal these wounds. Most likely a combination is needed to heal the wounds and get rid of the addiction or the fixation from infinite behaviors that can become addictions/compulsions.
The really sad thing is that because of all our misunderstandings about addictions and compulsions, we are filled with a toxic shame. So, what happens when we start to see our addictions for what they are? Seeing them as a way to fulfill actual needs…. Then we can start to experience some self-compassion, increase self-insight and move out of that toxic shame that keeps us stuck and silent, and into a space where we can heal, and love ourselves.
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